It's been a year

“It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.”

via Gatekeeper

Exactly this day last year I admitted defeat and raised the white flag on us. They say it takes half the time of the relp to really get over the relp. I hope that's not true. I'm still not "there" though, but I'm trying. It's hard when there's friendship beyond the romantic relp. It's harder when you say you still love me, and she's nothing more than just a distraction. It's like I want to get a hammer and pound it repeatedly on your head. I'm just glad that I'm no longer in the stage where I want to cry every time I think of you and have the the biggest inkling to get back with you. But I'm still not in the stage where I no longer think of you almost everyday. Nor am I in that stage where don't I palpitate (though I try to look indifferent) when I hear your name. I know I can't totally erase you from my life, but I know one day I'll have every piece of my heart back in place to be in a sane relationship.

.

Not everything that feels right is RIGHT. Not because it's a game doesn't mean that it won't cause serious damage. Three years ago, we would have made sense. But that was then. To continue this would be unfair...to both of us. It was fun at first, but now the drama is slowly creeping in. I'm still trying to get out from the last web, don't get me tangled into a new one.

I might have said one time that I miss falling in love. But that's the only part I wanted. The dreamy part. Not the reality.

We both said we wanted easy breezy didn't we, Z?

xx

Because...

You know exactly how to make me smile. You pacify every anxiety and doubts. You have a way of making everything rainbow-y. You seem to be who I need now. But not everything that feels right is right. In our secret world, it's a match heaven bound. But sooner or later we have to get out of that make-believe world. And I'm afraid we're not strong enough to make it out in the real world.

We've had enough drama. Let's not delve into this one!

xoxo, d

Awkward!

Ever been in that situation where someone said they love you and you were dumbfounded, not because you were knocked off you feet, but because you've got nothing to say back?

Will you say Thank you? Be honest, and say you're not in the same place? Or just laugh it off as a joke?

I opted to do the last one. Awkward!

When it rains, it pours

Disclaimer: This entry is about relationships and break-ups so I probably will cite from personal experience. I know its been months, and you're rolling your eyes thinking why am I still ranting about it and you're sick and tired of reading 'bout my emotional weather reports. If you are, well you can't really do anything about it, can you? Its my site I can do whatever the hell I want with it. Yoy may, afterall, opt to leave my site. If you choose to read on, then thank you! Lol. :-))

When it rains, it pours. Apparently, that adage also holds true for break ups. In the past two weeks, I've heard four friends who just broke up with their boyfriends or who are in an almost dying relationship. And they've again proven me that the girl holds the steering wheel in a relationship. The boy may cheat over and over, he may be a total jerk, a scrub and the worst guy you'll ever encounter but if the girl is determined to make a relationship work, the relationship WILL work. And a relationship will end if the girl wants it to end.

I have stopped giving advices with relationship problems because truth is no one ever really listens to pieces of advice given by others. Most often than not we pretty much have an idea onwhat to do, we're just afraid to jump in. Afraid of the consequences. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to be mistaken. A friend asked me how I mustered enough courage to leave THE relationship when everyone knows I've built my life around this relationship. I guess I just came to a point when I realized that I shouldn't work so hard for love. That it's time to admit that a story is over. And that it's time to give up.

So for any one out there who may be in the same boat as I was 10 months ago, I want to share a song I kept listening to before I closed the door.

*Buffering will take some time and the vid is not so good you might not appreciate it so better download the song! Its Givin' up on You by Lara Fabian. Download her other songs also, she's one of my fave! :-))

Kumusta naman ang pagiging single?

I was talking to an old friend whom I haven’t seen for ages and we were doing the usual catching up when she asked me the last question I wanted to hear, “Kumusta naman ang pagiging single?” I don’t know if she was being sarcastic or what. Truth is, after being in a long relationship, I don’t want to be reminded that I’m single. It’s like telling a blind person that she’s blind. I mean, there’s no need to salt the wound.

I’ve been in a relationship for the longest time, and when I was thrown in the single world I didn’t know what to do. I’d like to say that being single is better than being in a couple, but there are times when a big chunk of me would want to be in one again. Before you start raising your eyebrows, I’m not going back with him. Anyone who knew both of us would say that we had a good run albeit how things ended but one has to know when a story is over. Neither will I go to a string of dates to fill in the void. Actually, dating made me realize how NOT ready I am to date.

My answer by the way to the question was, “it’s not so bad” and it really isn’t.

There are just times when I want that hug, that voice, that smile which obliterates every hitch around. Sure, friends and family are always around. But everyone who’s been inlove would agree with me that it’s still different, every single thing is different with that special one. Even the fights are special. It’s like the first few minutes of P.S. I Love you where Hilary & Gerard Butler were fighting and all I could think of is that I want to have someone to shout at again. Someone to bicker with, play who’s-got-a-bigger-ego games with, someone to throw the vase at (yeah, I do that), and then say “I’m sorry” in the sweetest tone possible. Darn, I gotta stop myself here!

And although I’m not ready to jump into a relationship yet, I’m looking forward for the time when I can once again sing, “I’m only me when I’m with you” or “in the morning you’re my super double caffeine drink.” That’s how it feels when you’re in love, ayt?

Right now though, there’s no need to rush things. Cliché it is, but I think (after seven friggin’ years) I have to be single and learn to enjoy being one. After all, I’m not so alone. I’ve got my fellow single friends who will make this phase FUN! Plus, it’s one less person on my gift list which means I get to buy more stuff for ME! Oh, the stuff we say to make ourselves happy. Lol

Sorry to burst the bubble that you live in

...but there is a legend.

Lets see you top that off!

Tuguescapade

After being in sunny and hot tugue for 3 days, Manila seems so dreary. The weather here is as fickle as a girl’s mind. The 3-day vacay was just what I needed... really great food, comfort of home and old time friends. And I repeat, FRIENDS. Not “...with benefits” just FRIENDS. No more singing of it ain’t over till it’s over.

I know a lot find it hard to understand how beej and I can still be friends. For us though, it wasn’t even a question of whether we should be friends or not. Sure, how we ended wasn’t ideal but we’re talking about 7 years. I could hold on to the anger and pain and make myself miserable or learn to let go and see what’s beyond all that break-up hoopla. There’s more to a relationship than the swooning and thrills of attraction, and I think seven years is definitely more than just kilig, more than exchange of sweet words and romance. If there’s anything left in that, it’s the friendship. Seeing beej again didn’t bring back old feelings (contrary to what we see in movies), it brought out new ones. It’s like that calm after a storm. It’s like knowing that everything is just where it should be. And when you get to understand that, seeing us having coffee and laughing together wouldn’t seem so weird.

“You and I will be a tough act to follow, but I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise” -Daughtry

alcohol talking

ever had that moment when you wake up with a terrible hangover and vow never to drink again?

but then you're handed a glass of tequila and before you know it you're jumping up and down. Waking up with a terrible headache and barely remembering what happened. Then vowing once more to never drink! haist!

the case of the third party

This is an old blog I've posted on my multiply months ago but still feel strongly about until now. Some would say that cheating has a lot gray areas but for me, it's all in black and white.

I’ve always been intrigued with the third party, may it be in a marriage or just in a boy friend-girlfriend relationship. The third party a.k.a. the other woman a.k.a. kabit, querida, mang-aagaw, malandi.

We’ve always heard the side of the girl who was hoodwinked with men and their cheating hearts. Never the side of the other woman. Apparently, they also got hurt in the process. Ha, what a laugh! (I have this idea that they’re just pure evil. ) They invested their emotions and time to men who they knew (from very the beginning) are attached. So are men to blame? I think in situations like these, it’s not just the men who should get the blame; the other women also get the same amount of blame. They put themselves in the middle of the whole crap. (Oh, I’m not letting men off the hook here. No, oh, no!)

Seriously though, I want to get into the mind of “the other woman”. I want to find out what could have driven her to ruin a relationship. What the heck was she thinking when she decided to get herself tangled in the whole mess. Does she have low self-esteem, and making another girl miserable was an avenue for her to feel good about herself? Is she even aware of the pain she is causing, or the pain that she can inflict on herself? Is it pure selfishness? Is she not a big believer of karma? Or a big believer of the adage, “If he can cheat with you, he will cheat on you?” How could she sleep at night? And lastly, doesn’t she have any friends who would put some iota sense in her head and give her a definition of what’s right and what’s wrong. Yeah, we’ve heard the maxim that in love there’s no right and wrong. But I think that when a wife or a girlfriend is involved, there is a boundary of right and wrong.

I remember that episode in Sex and the City series where Charlotte found out that Carrie is cheating with Big, while he is still married to Natasha. Carrie was reasoning out with Charlotte that she is not that kind of woman (the sl*t who is ruining a marriage).

Charlotte: Do you ever think about how she’d (Natasha) feel if she found out?

Carrie: I think about it all the time.

Charlotte: No, you don’t! You think about what would happen to you, not about her. To you, she’s just the idiot wife. You don’t know anything about her. I’m getting married in two weeks. How would you feel if someone did this to me?

I wish there could be more Charlotte in this world. Then maybe, there would be less cheating. And we wouldn't have to rant about situations like these. Tsk tsk.

Sappy Friday

Just saw a blog entry from a pastor in our church who just proposed to her celebrity girlfriend. I can't help swoon. I'm a sucker for engagement, wedding, and everything else that comes with these two. Maybe it's just the ideal in me. Regardless of all the failed marriages in our family, I choose not to be jaded.

I believe in happy (and sappy) endings. Why?

Because I know God is on my side. I know He is plotting a wonderful love story for me. A story far better than I have dreamed of. Call it cheesy, cornball, quixotic, pensive or whatever!

I call it faith!