There are times when I would find myself thinking why I'm here.
Sometimes feel like a pawn in a chess match God is playing. Like I'm just watching as the king and queen are making they're most amazing moves while all I can do is go one step front, one step back. Sometimes I feel like the name you see crawl up on the screen after a movie. For five seconds, your name is there for everyone to read only no one actually pays attention to the credits. Sometimes I'm the hamster who keeps running in the little circle. I run, run, run but when I stop I'm in the exact same place.
I love my job. I get to leave the office when I want to. I get paid to meet a lot of people which for me is not considered work but a treat. Attend events. It's advertising world, how could it not be fun? I can picture myself getting old in this industry.
But there are times when I would question what's the point of all this. Who am I helping? Companies brain washing consumers into buying their stuff. Should I be a lawyer like the ones who have gone before me? But even that seems like a lost cause for me. I don't see myself wearing a hard hat with a blue print on my head deciding whether we should put an arc in the opening of the building or not. There are times I think that becoming a doctor or a nurse at the very least would be my best bet coz you get to save lives but then I remember I could barely look at a needle being inserted in my skin to my vein let alone do that to a stranger. My gag reflex is not built for all the episodes in a hospital. Maybe a psychologist or counsellor? Although I don't think that someone whose best friend is Repression should be even giving pieces of advice. I could totally hear myself, "You're a wimp, bottle it up! If you make yourself believe you're okay, you ARE okay. No need to deal with that emotions. Lock it up in a box and push it at the back of your mind." Tsk tsk. Maybe a missionary? But my track record would totally go against what I'll be preaching. I'm probably the most confused "Christian" you'll ever meet. I'm running out of ideas here.
I wish have an ending to this. Like a bulb have just lighted and I know exactly what to do... but I have none up my sleeve.
Then again, I'm like the stock market. Fluctuating. Tomorrow, I'll probably even wonder why I considered other jobs because I was made to be in advertising. Then the day after that, I'll be staring at the ceiling asking Bro if I'm just here on earth as part of His plan for other people or if He really has something especially for me. I know what His Word says and I know I should believe that He has plans for me and I do (I told you I'm the most confused believer...ever). It's just that sometimes, I'm just tired of waiting. Like I'm in a long line and I keep craning my neck to see the beginning of the line but all I can see is a never ending stream of heads.
I felt so lost then...I was waiting for something great to happen. Maybe I wasn't ready then. But I know I am now. So Lord, bring it on! I just can't wait for all Your promises to come true! I want that "S-curve" :)
You're probably wondering what that S-curve is, huh? Will tell you more some other time! :)
xoxo, d
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